Television is full of funny people on comedic sitcoms. Here is a list of the funniest quotes in the history of TV.

  1. "One of these days…" Boom! Straight to the moon. - Ralph Cramden - "Honeymooners"
  2. "As God is my witness I thought turkeys could fly." - Arthur Carlson - W.K.R.P. in Cincinnati
  3. "The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader, you've seen Star Wars 47 times. You do the math." - Neal Schweiber - "Freaks and Geeks"
  4. "I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois." - Peter Griffin - "Family Guy"
  5. "Math. Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology." - Peter Griffin - "Family Guy"
  6. "Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb." - Stewie Griffin - "Family Guy"
  7. "Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time." - Stanley Smith - "American Dad"
  8. "I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!" - Steve Smith - "American Dad"
  9. "Screw you guys, I'm going home." - Eric Cartman - "South Park"
  10. "What the deuce!" - Stewie Griffin - "Family Guy"
  11. "For those of you who don't habla espanol, El Nino is Spanish for.....The Nino." - Chris Farley - "Saturday Night Live"
  12. "Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich." - Jerry - "Seinfield"
  13. "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub." - Bart - "The Simpsons"
  14. "Respect my authori-tie!" - Eric Cartman - "South Park"
  15. "Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?" - Brian - "Family Guy"
  16. "Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!" - Dr. House - "House M.D."
  17. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."" - Conan O'Brien - "Late Night"
  18. "CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded." - Jay Leno - "Tonight Show"
  19. "I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." - Jon Stewart - "Daily Show"
  20. """When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!"" - Zap Brannigan - ""Futurama""
  21. "Jane, you ignorant slut." - Dan Ackroyd - "Saturday Night Live"
  22. "Trying is the first step towards failure." - Homer Simpson - "The Simpsons "
  23. "Love is not only blind but stupid." - Al Bundy - "Married with Children"
  24. "No soup for you!" - Soup Nazi - "Seinfeld"
  25. "My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine." - Homer - "The Simpsons"
  26. "Me fail English. That’s unpossible." - Ralph Wiggum - "The Simpsons"
  27. "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away." - Jerry - "Seinfeld"
  28. "Yeah, I am Batman." - Kramer - "Seinfeld"
  29. "Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over." - Stewie - "Family Guy"
  30. "Oh my god. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny." - Stan - "South Park"
  31. "Shwing" - Mike Myers - "SNL - Waynes World"
  32. "To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems!" - Homer Simpson - "The Simpsons"
  33. "My cat's breath smells like cat food." - Ralph Wiggum - "The Simpsons"
  34. "Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa." - Bart Simpson - "The Simpsons"
  35. "If you get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I'm going to stop doing stupid things." - Homer Simpson - "Simpsons"
  36. "Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts." - Norm - "Cheers"
  37. "Francine, why did you point a gun at me if you didn't want to have sex?" - Stan Smith - "American Dad"
  38. "I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at." - Michael Scott - "The Office"
  39. "How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off." - Stewie - "Family Guy"
  40. "Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk?... I might kill you tonight." - Stewie - "Family Guy"
  41. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch." - Stewie - "Family Guy"
  42. "Can a urine test show if an adult woman is retarded" - Officer Dangle - "Reno 911"
  43. "If at this point in your life you still haven't seen a bulge, well I just feel sorry for you." (wearing a thong) - Will Ferrell - "SNL"
  44. "I'm out there, Jerry, and LOVIN every minute of it!" - Kramer - "Seinfeld"
  45. "You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, 'never try'." - Homer - "Simpsons"
  46. "Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!" - Ralph Wiggum - "Simpsons"
  47. "It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time." - Al Bundy - "Married With Children"
  48. "Japanese Prime Minister Tomiichi Murayama apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke." - David Letterman - "Late Night"
  49. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?' - US TV commentator Jonny Huntridge
  50. "When you look this good you don't have to know anything." - Phillip J. Fry - "Futurama"
  51. "This isn't going to be good for my rage." - Ross - "Friends"
  52. "You don't make friends with salad!" - Homer Simpson - "Simpsons"
  53. "Bracelet Buddies.. oh my god, that's what they'll call us!" - Chandler - "Friends"
  54. "I guess I should have known. We'd be out somewhere and a beautiful woman would go by and Carol would go, Ross look at her". And I'd think, "My wife is cool." - Ross - "Friends"
  55. "No, I think it's the opposite of funny. I think it's...wood." - Cory - "Boy Meets World"
  56. "Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight." - Stewie - "Family Guy"
  57. "Let's be honest. Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you -- the baby shower." - Carrie - "Sex in the City"
  58. "When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget." - Dr Lisa Cuddy - "House"
  59. "I'm Chandler...could I BE wearing anymore clothes?" - Joey - "Friends"
  60. "We were on a break!" - Ross - "Friends"
  61. "You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum." - Jerry - "Seinfeld"
  62. "My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star." - Grandpa - "Simpsons"
  63. "Serenity now!" - Frank Constanza - "Seinfeld"
  64. "Kiss my grits!" - Flo - "Alice:
  65. "You'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river... when you're livin' in a van down by the river!" - Chris Farley as "Matt Foley" - "Saturday Night Live"
  66. "Well, it's been fun folks! We've had a great time tonight considering that we're all going to die." - Steve Martin - "Saturday Night Live"
  67. "I'm sorry, did I not bury you in the backyard?" - Shake - "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"
  68. "Coming up next, an apology for what came last." - Saturday Night Live anouncer - "SNL"
  69. "You know mother, live is a lot like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get! Unfortunately, for you it's more like a box of... live grenades!" - Stewie Griffin - "The Family Guy"
  70. "You hit me! Picard never hit me!" - Sisko - "Star Trek: DS9"
  71. "Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. You're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science, Language, and History. Now that is a weird day." - Jerry - "Seinfeld"
  72. "Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!" - Homer - "Simpsons"
  73. "When a bomb starts talking about itself in the third person, I get nervous." - Tom Paris - "Star Trek: Voyager"
  74. "I'd say come again, and then I'd laugh because I said come." - Peter - "Family Guy"
  75. "If I'm a child then that makes you a pedophile and I'll be damned if I hang around a pervert." - Peter - "Family Guy"
  76. "What the hell is this....someone throw a pie!" - Peter - "Family Guy"
  77. "I've yadda yadda'd over sex before. I met this lawyer, we went out, I had the lobster bisque. We went back to my place, yadda yadda yadda, I never saw him again." - Elaine - "Seinfeld"
  78. "That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic." - Archie Bunker - "All in the Family"
  79. "Van Gough, and Rembrandt, don't be uptight, cause here comes KID DYNOMITE." - J.J Evans - "Good Times"
  80. "Holy Crap!" - Frank Barone - "Everybody Loves Raymond"
  81. "I don't think so, Tim…" - Al - "Home Improvement"
  82. "Why do you have to break up with her. Be a man. Just stop calling." - Joey - "Friends"
  83. "If you can't say anything nice, say it about Diane." - Carla - "Cheers"
  84. "We are two wild and crazy guys!" - Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys - "Saturday Night Live"
  85. "You look mahvelous!" - Billy Crystal as Fernando - "Saturday Night Live"
  86. "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "I don't hunt so good." - Red - "The Red Green Show"
  87. "You can make up statistics to prove anything. 15% of all people know that." - Homer - "Simpsons"
  88. "Roses are reddish/ Violets are bluish/ If it weren't for Christmas/ We'd all be Jewish." - "The Benny Hill Show'
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