| | (deadpan) Please be kidding. |
| | (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row. |
| | (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It's not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!! |
| | (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, André is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services. |
| | (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. |
| | (on the phone) Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, no, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect. |
| | (to Russ) For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark. |
| | ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration! |
| | Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities. |
| | Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech. |
| | Alright. Your money's mine, Green. |
| | And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore. |
| | And it works both ways. |
| | And thank you, for that. |
| | And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi. |
| | Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y'know Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery. |
| | Because there are naked ladies there. |
| | Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they? |
| | Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? |
| | Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica! |
| | Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes! |
| | Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools? |
| | Did that guy just call you Toby? |
| | Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea? |
| | Do you know the word crapweasel? |
| | Dude, we are sooo gonna party! |
| | Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay? |
| | Either that or my mouth is getting smaller. |
| | Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school? |
| | Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi. |
| | Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present? |
| | Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon. |
| | Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire? |
| | Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good! |
| | Hey, you guys! Guess what? |
| | Hi honey, how did it go? |
| | Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. |
| | How could you not get it? You were Santa last year. |
| | Huh. That's a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent. |
| | I do not always have to be--okay, okay. (starts to leave) |
| | I don't know Rachel, why? |
| | I don't know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there's this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch. |
| | I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? |
| | I feel great. I feel- great, I feel great. |
| | I guess he musta gotten the part in that play. |
| | I know. I feel horrible. Okay. |
| | I think she's lonely. |
| | I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre. |
| | I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there. |
| | I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. |
| | Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes. |
| | Is there blood coming out of my ears? |
| | It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff. |
| | It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band. |
| | It's not a big deal? Oh, I'm sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like-you-you can't stop thinking about her. Like how you can't sleep? |
| | Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard! |
| | Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie. |
| | Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice. |
| | Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas! |
| | Maybe it's a universal thing? |
| | Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y'know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it. |
| | Mm-hmm. She's-she's emotional, but, but ballsy. |
| | Monica and Chandler are living together! |
| | Nah. A while ago I got a 'seh' out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into seh-condary caregiver but... |
| | Namaste. (Bows.) |
| | No no, that's me. |
| | No you do--y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this. |
| | No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!" |
| | No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? |
| | No, no, no. I'm not in the zone. |
| | No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because-- |
| | No, no. She's way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy. |
| | Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town? |
| | Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah. |
| | Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? |
| | Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her) |
| | Now I'm so happy. |
| | Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn't bring you here so you can ambush her. |
| | Oh great! What, you brought Joey? |
| | OH MY GOD!! I didn't really believe it until you just said it!! |
| | Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her? |
| | Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey. |
| | Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous. |
| | Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me. |
| | Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'? |
| | Oh. Oh, that's right. So-so you did see me that day, because it seemed like you didn't. |
| | OH…MY…GOD!! |
| | Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs? |
| | Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin' in there. |
| | Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display. |
| | Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time. |
| | Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success, 'the munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me 'Cookie Dude!' |
| | Pheebs, did…you want a cookie? |
| | Please tell me you're joking. |
| | Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. |
| | Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it. |
| | See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence. |
| | Seriously that's a lot of cups. |
| | She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. |
| | She lent me an egg once. |
| | Smaller than that. |
| | So how long are you in town? |
| | So that's two of my wives. |
| | So uh, Emily called last night… |
| | So uh, he seems like a nice guy. |
| | So why don't you quit? |
| | So you do know a little English. |
| | So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special? |
| | That bitch! |
| | That guy, he burns me up. |
| | That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel! |
| | That's right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don't take her from me. |
| | Then you are neither of your parents! |
| | There are naked ladies there too. |
| | There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility. |
| | There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi? |
| | Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy? |
| | Try telling my wife that. |
| | Uh, bigger than that. |
| | Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity. |
| | Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y'know? Say-say they're coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they're laughing, y'know, someone innocently touches someone else… There's electricity, it's new. It's exciting. Are you telling me there isn't even the slightest possibility of something happening? |
| | Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here. |
| | Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! |
| | Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now? |
| | Well, I'll-I'll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so… |
| | Well, John McClane had plans! |
| | Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! |
| | Well, OK, it's for a boy. Well, I know it's a little out there, but…Darwin. |
| | Well, there goes my whole belief system. |
| | Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that. |
| | Well, why don't you correct him? |
| | Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby. |
| | What's wah-pah? |
| | What's wrong with being the Bings? |
| | What, are you kidding? It's Batman's tux!! |
| | What-what is it?! |
| | What? (pause) Why not? |
| | Who is Maria? |
| | Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter? |
| | Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape. |
| | Why is it inside out?! |
| | Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian. |
| | Y'know what I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You're not my girlfriend anymore so... |
| | Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? |
| | Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab? |
| | Yeah I-I don't-I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you. |
| | Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. |
| | Yeah, but still, cheap shot! |
| | Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did! |
| | Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow. |
| | You bought Shawn Cassidy! |
| | You don't believe in evolution? |
| | You guys. |
| | You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? |
| | You uh, you don't believe in gravity? |
| | You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her! |
| | …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?! |