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Newman Quotes, Rants, and Monologues (from Seinfeld)
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Tags: Newman, Seinfeld, Wayne Knight, funny, best, rants, raves, monologues, best, quotes, said, TV, show, TBS, NBC
Newman is a recurring character on the television show Seinfeld, played by Wayne Knight from 1991 until the show's finale in 1998. In the show, Newman is an overweight mail carrier who lives at 129 West 81st Street, New York City, the same apartment building as Jerry Seinfeld and Cosmo Kramer. Newman lives in Apartment 5E. Originally conceived to be "the son of the landlord [who] 'tells' on everyone", Newman evolved as the series progressed into a scheming mailman who related with Kramer, but nursed a grudge against Jerry. Here are some of Newman's most infamous quotes, angry rants and monologues:
| | Hello, Jerry. | | | You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap. You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA. | | | You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified. | | | What? I love broccoli. It's good for you. | | | (seconds later after tasting the broccoli) ... Vile weed! | | | So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker. | | | Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain. | | | Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier. | | | Keith Hernandez! I despise that man! | | | Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information. | | | I've never been much for credos. | | | I'm a United States postal worker. | | | I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless. | | | I think he's stealing our rickshaw. | | | I propose... AN ALLIANCE. | | | Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb! | | | He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss. | | | [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go. | | | Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day. | | | Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists. | | | [Newman is sneaking through Jerry's apartment trying to cheat at Kramer's and his "Risk" game when he knocks over some of Jerry's cassette tapes] Damn! | | | *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform. | | | [looks at torn patch on his own uniform] Damn. | | | Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers. | | | (While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flamable paint thinner): You're once, twice, three times the-(Truck goes on fire)AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity! |
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