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Jim Gaffigan Quotes
AMUSING 
Tags: Jim Gaffigan, comedy, stand-up comedy, comedian
One of the funniest comedians out there, if you ask me. Here are some of my favorite jokes of his.
| | "You ever been walking right toward somebody and then you walk to the right, and then they walk to the right, then you walk left, and they walk left? You know how there's like that awkward moment? Just lean forward and kiss 'em. '....looked like you wanted it from my angle.' Then when they're walking away just hit 'em on the ass. '(Pshhh) You'll be back! You'll be back for some of that loving.' " |
| | "I do feel guilty at checkout when they’re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy. 'Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I’ll just watch. I’m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat ‘em? I’m lookin’ for a buddy.' " |
| | "We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. 'You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle-here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!' " |
| | "Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen." |
| | "When you're single, all you see is couples. When you're part of a couple, all you see is hookers." |
| | "Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel." |
| | "The manatee is endagered, and I think it's because they're out of shape." |
| | "The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal." |
| | "How did we get to the point where we pay for bottled water. This is more waterly than water." |
| | "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John." |
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