| 1. | “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse” |
| 2. | Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.” |
| 3. | “Finished eighth in my class of ten.” |
| 4. | “I often use a laptap.” |
| 5. | “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.” |
| 6. | “nine-page cover letter accompanied by a four-page résumé” |
| 7. | Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months. |
| 8. | “an applicant ghosted a headshot as the background to her resume” |
| 9. | “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail” |
| 10. | Candidate included a letter from his mother. |
| 11. | Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators. |
| 12. | “Able to say the ABCs backward in under five seconds.” |
| 13. | Candidate stated the ability to persuade people sexually using her words. |
| 14. | “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.” |
| 15. | “1990 - 1997: Stewardess - Royal Air Force” |
| 16. | Interests: “Gossiping.” |
| 17. | Woman who sent her résumé and cover letter without deleting someone else’s editing, including such comments as “I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here” |
| 18. | “One applicant tried to make an impression by using four different fonts, three ink colors and a variety of highlighting options on her résumé” |
| 19. | Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”. |
| 20. | “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.” |
| 21. | “Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.” |
| 22. | Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.” |
| 23. | “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.” |
| 24. | Candidate wrote résumé as a play - Act 1, Act 2, etc. |
| 25. | “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border” |
| 26. | Hobbies: “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians” |
| 27. | “I am a wedge with a sponge taped to it. My purpose is to wedge myself into someone’s door to absorb as much as possible.” |
| 28. | Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.” |
| 29. | “Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.” |
| 30. | “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.” |
| 31. | Candidate included family medical history. |
| 32. | Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot” |
| 33. | Candidate included naked picture of himself. |
| 34. | “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.” |
| 35. | Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.” |
| 36. | Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail” |
| 37. | “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.” |
| 38. | Cleaning skills: “bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c” |
| 39. | Employer: ” Myself; received pay raise for high sales.” |
| 40. | “Job involved…counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available” |
| 41. | “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.” |
| 42. | A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume |
| 43. | Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.” |
| 44. | “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.” |
| 45. | Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.” |
| 46. | Hobbies: “Drugs and girls”. |
| 47. | “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people” |
| 48. | Under “job related skills” - for a web designer - “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”. |
| 49. | “I’m intrested to here more about that. I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer” |
| 50. | Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.” |
| 51. | “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.” |
| 52. | “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.” |
| 53. | Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.” |
| 54. | My sister-in-law misspelled the word “proofreading” in her skill set. |
| 55. | “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.” |
| 56. | Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.” |
| 57. | The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm. |
| 58. | “Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with” |
| 59. | “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.” |
| 60. | Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.” |
| 61. | “I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality…” |
| 62. | “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.” |
| 63. | Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway” |
| 64. | “Marital status: often. Children: various.” |
| 65. | Additional skills: “I am a Notary Republic.” |
| 66. | Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving” |
| 67. | “I am loyal to my employer at all costs..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.” |
| 68. | Objective: “So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’” |
| 69. | “I am great with the pubic.” |
| 70. | “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.” |
| 71. | Skills: “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.” |
| 72. | A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com |
| 73. | Objective: “To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day.” |
| 74. | The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application. |
| 75. | One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude. |
| 76. | Skills: “I have technical skills that will take your breath away.” |
| 77. | “…sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm…” |
| 78. | Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.” |
| 79. | Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.” |
| 80. | “My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.” |
| 81. | Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.” |
| 82. | One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn’t like dealing with blood or needles. |
| 83. | Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen” |
| 84. | Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.” |
| 85. | I once received a resume with a head and shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion’s head, wearing a coat, shirt, and tie. |
| 86. | Skills: “Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years.” |
| 87. | a resume… was printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead. |
| 88. | Objective: “I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.” |
| 89. | One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school. |
| 90. | Education: “I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more.” |
| 91. | Education: “Have repeated courses repeatedly.” |
| 92. | A resume… had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it |
| 93. | Hobbies: “Having a good time” |
| 94. | Salary requirements: “The higher the better.” |
| 95. | Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.” |
| 96. | Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.” |
| 97. | References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.” |
| 98. | Work experience: “Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get.” |
| 99. | Personal: “I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do.” |
| 100. | Objective: “Student today. Vice president tomarrow.” |
| 101. | Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.” |
| 102. | Application: Why should an employer hire you? “I bring doughnuts on Friday.” |
| 103. | Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982.” |
| 104. | Reason for leaving: “Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.” |
| 105. | Special skills: “I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.” |
| 106. | Reason for leaving last job: “Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.” |
| 107. | Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.” |
| 108. | Objective: “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!” |
| 109. | Objective: “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.” |
| 110. | Hobbies: “Mushroom hunting.” |
| 111. | Experience: “Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.” |
| 112. | Objective: “My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.” |
| 113. | Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.” |
| 114. | Heading on stationery: “I’d Break Mom’s Heart to Work For You!” |
| 115. | “I am a ‘neat nut’ with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime.” |
| 116. | Experience: “Provide Custer Service.” |
| 117. | Experience: “I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.” |
| 118. | Strengths: “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.” |
| 119. | Work experience: “Responsibilities included checking customers out.” |
| 120. | Work experience: “Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees’ paychecks.” |
| 121. | Educational background: “Highschool was a incredible experience.” |
| 122. | Resume: “A great management team that has patents with its workers.” |
| 123. | Cover letter: “Experienced in all faucets of accounting.” |
| 124. | Objective: “I am anxious to use my exiting skills.” |
| 125. | Personal: “I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut.” |
| 126. | Job duties: “Filing, billing, printing and coping.” |
| 127. | Application: “Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking.” |
| 128. | Reason for leaving: “Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.’” |
| 129. | Personal: “My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando’s proximity to Disney World.” |
| 130. | Resume: “I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born - my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.” |
| 131. | Resume: “Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.” |
| 132. | Qualifications: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.” |
| 133. | “I am fully aware of the king of attention this position requires.” |
| 134. | References: “Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference.” |
| 135. | “Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant.” |
| 136. | Accomplishments: “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.” |
| 137. | Career: “I have worked with restraints for the past two years.” |
| 138. | Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.” |
| 139. | Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” |