| | 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them |
| | and stranding them at strategic locations. |
| | 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. |
| | 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals |
| | throughout the day. |
| | 4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get |
| | to join in. |
| | 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the |
| | spray air fresheners. |
| | 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. |
| | 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. |
| | 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. |
| | 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, |
| | especially thin narrow aisles. |
| | 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I |
| | think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what |
| | happens. |
| | 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off |
| | and turn the volumes to “10″. |
| | 12. Play with the automatic doors. |
| | 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen |
| | you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid |
| | embarrassment. |
| | 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask |
| | yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk, |
| | anyway?” |
| | 15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. |
| | 16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re |
| | taking it for a “test drive.” |
| | 17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about |
| | five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the |
| | department. |
| | 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store |
| | as your playing field. |
| | 19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look |
| | mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!” |
| | 20. Put M&M’s on layaway. |
| | 21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas. |
| | 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll |
| | only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. |
| | 23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from |
| | the other aisles. |
| | 24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. |
| | 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around |
| | saying,”…I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!” |
| | 26. TP as much of the store as possible. |
| | 27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. |
| | 28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” |
| | upside down. |
| | 29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, |
| | “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?” |
| | 30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired |
| | employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any |
| | Shnerples here?” |
| | 31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale |
| | battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. |
| | 32. Take bets on the battle described above. |
| | 33. Hold indoor shopping cart races. |
| | 34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from |
| | “Mission: Impossible.” |
| | 35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while |
| | squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I |
| | need some tampons!!” |
| | 36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department. |
| | 37. Try on bras over top of your clothes. |
| | 38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. |
| | 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. |
| | 40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to |
| | your Twinkies?” |
| | 41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store. |
| | 42. Two words: “Marco Polo.” |
| | 43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet |
| | food aisle, etc. |
| | 44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics. |
| | 45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the |
| | restrooms |
| | 46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at |
| | something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. |
| | 47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. |
| | 48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, |
| | assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those |
| | voices again!” |
| | 49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. |
| | 50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and |
| | relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain |
| | that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little |
| | umbrella in it. |
| | 51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice |
| | possible “sex and candy” |
| | 52. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your |
| | head and walk around the store casually. |
| | 53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the |
| | mannequins. |
| | 54. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. |
| | 55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run |
| | between them, yelling, “Red Rover!” |
| | 56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror |
| | while you pick your nose. |
| | 57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. |
| | (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!) |
| | 58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly |
| | ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act |
| | as spastic as possible. |
| | 59. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and |
| | women’s signs on the doors of the rest room. |
| | 60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch |
| | everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. |
| | 61. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with |
| | various funnels. |
| | 62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse |
| | through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare |
| | them into believing that the clothes are talking to them |
| | 63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you |
| | and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is |
| | breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you |
| | do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was |
| | another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME |
| | darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto |
| | the ground screaming and having convulsions. |
| | 64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people |
| | out. |
| | 65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and |
| | begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.” |
| | 66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of |
| | shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the |
| | boxes and throw it in various aisles. |
| | 67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. |
| | 68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every |
| | perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another |
| | girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. |
| | “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” When the boy |
| | shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. |
| | “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” |
| | 69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples |
| | carts when they don’t realize it! |
| | 70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of |
| | super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean |
| | in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front |
| | of your nose and saying “Oh god, your over powering the |
| | perfume!!” |
| | 71. Hit on the elderly. |
| | 72. Hit on 5 year olds. |
| | 73. In the food aisle, pretend like there’s a little bug, slowly |
| | move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left |
| | as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the |
| | ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like |
| | crazy. Then finally yell out “Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was |
| | the biggest Cockrouch I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!! |
| | Hey look, there’s another one!!!” Then Repeat. |
| | 74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray. |
| | 75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat. |
| | Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc. |
| | 76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a |
| | prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man.” to |
| | people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture. |
| | 77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your |
| | friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those |
| | electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they |
| | don’t know you. |
| | 78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for |
| | toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend |
| | that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over |
| | wanting to use it, start barking at them until |
| | they run away crying. |
| | 79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind |
| | customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your |
| | friend. |
| | 80. Excesively use anything thing that says “Try Me”. |
| | 81. Start pocketing any and all free samples. |
| | 82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins. |
| | 82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say |
| | “Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter |
| | Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of |
| | french fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say |
| | “Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you |
| | say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from |
| | Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like |
| | everyone else your know. You digust me” Then walk away |
| | mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl- |
| | like as you can |
| | 83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people |
| | asking where the rash cream is because your family and all |
| | your friends seem to have a rash too. |
| | 84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your |
| | “multiple personalities”. Have an English man, a Southern |
| | person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old |
| | girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should |
| | sound like this: “Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly |
| | good time.(English)” “Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta |
| | Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)” Etc. |
| | 85. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wail your arms |
| | and legs around like your having some kind of massive |
| | seizure. |
| | 86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the |
| | store. |
| | 87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to |
| | leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your |
| | walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to |
| | go off. Then when it doesn’t go off, let out a big sigh. Then |
| | quickly look around you to see who’s watching and run away |
| | as fast as your can. |
| | 88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger, |
| | your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while |
| | singing the circus song. |
| | 89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department |
| | 90. Put lingerie in the men’s department. |
| | 91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn |
| | around. |
| | 92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that |
| | someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over, |
| | start crying and saying “All I ever wanted was a little |
| | attention” Then run away crying. |
| | 93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while, |
| | start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don’t look away, just |
| | stay mesmerized. |
| | 94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say “Help me. The voices in |
| | my head are telling me to do naughty things.” Then clap your |
| | hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming |
| | “NO!!! I DON’T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO |
| | NO NO NO!!!!” Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the |
| | eyes, and Calmly say “I…will start…a fire…” The pull out a |
| | zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don’t |
| | light the zippo, just hold it closed. |
| | 95. Light a match under a spinkler. |
| | 96. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I |
| | warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get |
| | my shot gun”. Then walk away. |
| | 97. Walk up to a guy and say “Oh my god, is it you? Oh my |
| | god it is!!! I haven’t seen you in so long!!!!” Then kiss him. |
| | Then slap and him say “Why didn’t you ever call me??” Then |
| | walk away. Much more affective if you’re a guy. |
| | 98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a |
| | mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as |
| | possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your |
| | watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get |
| | paid enough to do this” |
| | 99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone. |
| | 100. Act like your about to cry and ask people “Have you seen |
| | my mommy?” |
| | 101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless. |
| | BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit. |