| | Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
| | It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. |
| | What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. |
| | Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love. |
| | I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. |
| | It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. |
| | My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. |
| | I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. |
| | "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats." |
| | I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. |
| | Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. |
| | Eighty percent of success is showing up. |
| | God is either cruel or incompetent. |
| | How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? |
| | I can't express anger. That's my problem. I internalize everything. I just grow a tumor instead. |
| | I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes. |
| | I prefer masturbation. You meet a better class of people that way. |
| | I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. |
| | Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. |
| | Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement! |
| | I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. |
| | Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. |
| | Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. |
| | Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying. |
| | My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. |
| | On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. |
| | Sex is only dirty if it's done right. |
| | There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet. |
| | You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. |
| | My brain, it's my second favorite organ. |
| | If my film makes one more person feel miserable, I'll feel like I've done my job. |