| | "When Joan Rivers has her makeup confiscated by airport security, even the terrorists will have realized that they have made a huge mistake." |
| | "When all else fails, there's always delusion." |
| | "It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there." |
| | "I would be suspicious of someone like me!" |
| | "Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. Yeah. So they decided to invite all the people who saw GIGLI." |
| | "Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!" |
| | Some audience members waiting in line to get into the building were smoking joints. Yeah, they said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not." |
| | "My job is to be booed by the people of America; it's in my contract." |
| | "We got the latest on the presidential election. I know that's why you tuned in. Or you couldn't sleep. And all the other channels were blocked." |
| | "Don't applaud that! Applaud my idiocy." |
| | "That was the meanest thing I've ever heard... And I'm the guy that said it." |
| | "The other day in Kentucky, a woman gave birth to a 14-pound baby boy. The baby is doing fine, but the mother is still screaming." |
| | "Scientists announced this week that a diet high in soy beans and high in soy sauce may reduce fertility in men. Which finally explains China's dreadfully low population." |
| | "If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice." |
| | "In Cambodia, a woman tried to cut off her husband's penis and he ended up receiving 25 stitches. Not surprisingly, the man told his buddies he needed 50 stitches." |
| | "Today at a press conference, President Bush defended his domestic wiretapping program after a reporter called it a "circumvention of the law." The President said, "That's ridiculous, I had my circumvention when I was a baby." |
| | "A new study has found that three million Irish men can trace their ancestry back to just one man. In his defense, the man said that he'd been drinking." |
| | "Early this week, President Bush met with the Belgian Prime Minister and things grew tense when the Prime Minister called for the U.S. to leave Guantanomo Bay. President Bush was so angry he told the Belgian Prime Minister to shut his waffle hole." |
| | "I'm not comfortable with my own body. I shower with my clothes on." |
| | "Once a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey you're that guy from Late Night with Conan O'Brien!' I said, 'Yeah, I'm actor Chip Witley.'" |
| | "Earlier today, Mexico's top court proclaimed Felipe Calderon as the new president-elect. Court officials contacted Calderon this morning at his home in Phoenix, Arizona. |
| | "The world's fattest man is being flown to Italy to undergo weight loss surgery. The 1200-lb. man will be flying first class, business class, and coach. |
| | "J.K. Rowling has revealed that in the last Harry Potter novel, a major character will die. She won't mention which character it is, but she has revealed the title: Harry Potter and the Part Where Harry Potter Dies." |