| | My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood; this is my street; this is my life. I am 42 years old; in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don't know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already. |
| | Look at me, jerking off in the shower — this will be the high point of my day. It's all downhill from here. |
| | That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident. |
| | Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her. |
| | Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser and they're right, I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back. |
| | You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak. |
| | 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule! |
| | This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts. |
| | I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose. |
| | I want to look good naked! |
| | Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus. |
| | I didn't lose my job. It's not like 'Whoops! Where did my job go?' I quit. |
| | It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. |
| | I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up. |
| | Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but. |
| | Well the new me whacks off when he feels horny. |
| | Remember those posters that said, 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? Well, that's true of every day but one — the day you die. |
| | Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't remember me either. |
| | Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's. |
| | We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time. |
| | You don't get to tell me what to do ever again. |
| | Man, oh man. Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. |
| | We have a very healthy relationship. |
| | I think you just became my personal hero! |
| | I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. |
| | Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once! |
| | You cannot count on anyone except yourself. |
| | You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we... lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house! |
| | I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today... |
| | Honey, don't be weird! |
| | I see you're smoking pot now! I'm so glad. I think using illegal psychotropic substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter. |
| | There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life. |
| | Fuck me, your majesty! |
| | I refuse to be a victim! |
| | I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts every time I bring a girlfriend home from school. |
| | I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong. |
| | Welcome to America's weirdest home videos. |
| | I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting. |
| | I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious. |
| | It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. |
| | My dad thinks I paid for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial. |
| | She's not your friend. She's just someone you use to feel good about yourself. |
| | I don't believe him. I mean, he didn't even like, look at me once! |
| | It's that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff? |
| | You total slut, you have a crush on him. You're defending him, you love him, you wanna have, like, ten thousand of his babies. |
| | I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary. |
| | If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model. |