| | Sing the Batman theme incessantly. |
| | In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." |
| | Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." |
| | Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." |
| | If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. |
| | Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. |
| | Speak only in a "robot" voice. |
| | Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. |
| | Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". |
| | Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. |
| | Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. |
| | Sniffle incessantly. |
| | Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. |
| | Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." |
| | Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." |
| | Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." |
| | Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". |
| | Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." |
| | Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. |
| | Practice making fax and modem noises. |
| | Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. |
| | Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. |
| | Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. |
| | Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." |
| | Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." |
| | Wear a special hip holster for your remote control |
| | Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. |
| | Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. |
| | Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. |
| | Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. |
| | Holler random numbers while someone is counting. |
| | Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." |
| | Drum on every available surface. |
| | Staple papers in the middle of the page. |
| | Ask 1-800 operators for dates. |
| | Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. |
| | Sew anti-theft detector strips |
| | peoples backpacks. |
| | Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. |
| | Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. |
| | Set alarms for random times. |
| | Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. |
| | Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. |
| | Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. |
| | Honk and wave to strangers. |
| | Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. |
| | Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. |
| | Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. |
| | Wear your pants backwards. |
| | Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. |
| | Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" |
| | ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. |
| | only type in lowercase. |
| | dont use any punctuation either |
| | Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. |
| | Pay for your dinner with pennies. |
| | Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. |
| | Repeat everything someone says, as a question. |
| | Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. |
| | Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. |
| | Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." |
| | Light road flares on a birthday cake. |
| | Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. |
| | Leave tips in Bolivian currency. |
| | Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." |
| | At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. |
| | When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. |
| | Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." |
| | As much as possible, skip rather than walk. |
| | Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. |
| | Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. |
| | Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. |
| | Drive half a block. |
| | Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. |
| | Ask people what gender they are. |
| | Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. |
| | Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. |
| | Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". |
| | Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. |
| | While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. |
| | Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. |
| | Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. |
| | Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." |
| | Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. |
| | Chew on pens that you've borrowed. |
| | Wear a LOT of cologne. |
| | Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." |
| | Sing along at the opera. |
| | Mow your lawn with scissors. |
| | At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" |
| | Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." |
| | Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. |
| | Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." |
| | Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." |
| | Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. |
| | Never make eye contact. |
| | Never break eye contact. |
| | Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. |
| | Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. |
| | Make appointments for the 31st of September. |
| | CONSTINTLY SAY "HI" |
| | Invite lots of people to other people's parties. |