| | "Rafael Palmeiro will once again deny taking steroids, but his speech will be drowned out by the loud whooshing sound of his testicles shrinking." |
| | "Gas prices will get so high, they'll start hanging out with Snoop Dog." |
| | "Israel will pull out of Gaza, but not before contracting Gazaria." |
| | "Jude Law will have an affair with Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez when he mistakes him for Nanny Ramirez." |
| | "The old saying "the camera adds ten pounds" will prove literally true when Kirstie Alley eats the camera." |
| | "The guy who played Carmine on "Laverne and Shirley" will look into a mirror and know he looks familiar -- but not know from where." |
| | "Pope Benedict will create a new egg recipe he calls "eggs benedict." When he is informed the name "eggs benedict" already exists, he will change his name to Pope Quevos Ranchero." |
| | "Britney Spears will announce she's gone into labor, and Kevin Federline, thinking labor means work, will run away!" |
| | "The Internet will turn ten years old. Upon hearing this, Michael Jackson will immediately ask how he can get on the Internet." |
| | "After five weeks in texas, George W. Bush will return to Washington, go into the Oval Office, spin around in his chair for five minutes, and return to Texas for a much-needed vacation." |
| | "After becoming a judge on "American Idol," Mr. T will be fired the first night for telling the other judges "I pity Abdul."" |
| | "After performing "The Year 2000," I, Mr. T, will change my catch phrase from "I pity the fool" to "I pity that chump Conan O'Brien."" |
| | "Yassar Arafat is forced back into his compound. This time because he won't stop singing Pink's Get This Party Started." |
| | "In an effort to be more appealing, the flu will change it's name to 'THe Flumeister'." |
| | "Tired of the rumors that he's gay, Liza Minnelli's husband publicly has sex with one hundred women. One hundred large bald women with handlebar mustaches." |
| | " Huey Lewis and the News will form a Huey Lewis and the News tribute band, just to prove that someone might actually do that." |
| | "Tony Danza will refuse to play any more characters named 'Tony.' The first role he gets after making this announcement: a bartender named 'Doug Danza.'" |
| | "I, Mr. T, will reveal that I do not have a mohawk haircut, I just went bald on both sides of my head." |
| | "Oral sex will be available in pill form. Unfortunately, it will be a suppository." |
| | "Animal experts will discover that the reason mountain goats live in the mountains is that they can get drunk faster." |
| | "Already reeling from the ongoing sex scandal, the Catholic Church will lose millions more followers, when Pope John Paul II appears on his balcony wearing acid-washed jeans." |
| | "The expression 'time will tell' will be proven invalid, when time refuses to tell what happened after it walked Debbie home from that party." |
| | "Mr. T has a son that he names after himself. To avoid confusion the boy is known as Mr. Lowercase T." |
| | "Conan O' Brien will be pitied not be me as a fool, but by fools as a superfool." |