| | Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job. |
| | Stone Phillips: We invited Mother Teresa to respond to these charges. |
| | You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.<BR>Fareed Zakaria: You've really got balls on your mind tonight. |
| | You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for... five nights now... |
| | I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border! |
| | I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart. |
| | Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution! |
| | Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic. |
| | I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! |
| | I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment. |
| | What's it like working with Clint Eastwood, and why do you hate our troops? |
| | The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it! |
| | George Bush... great president, or the greatest president? |
| | You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits. This is the Colbert Report. |
| | Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man! You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah. |
| | Tim Robbins: Why do you hate the truth?<BR>I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of. |
| | You know how many wars could be fought with $100 million? A *third* of one. |
| | Anyone can *read* the news *to* you. What I plan to do is *feel* the news *at* you. |
| | I'm looking over your shoulder... only because I've got your back. |
| | I can't prove it, but I can say it. |
| | Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic? |
| | Facts change, but my opinion never does. |
| | This teaches children a valuable lesson: Expect nothing and be happy you're not kidnapped. |
| | Someone get a bucket, I think I'm gonna truth! This is the Colbert Report. |
| | Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one. |
| | That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read. |
| | Open wide, baby bird, because mama's got a big, fat nightcrawler of truth. |
| | That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada. |
| | Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, "Walk it off." |
| | And Oregon, where do you get off letting people commit suicide? If God wanted them to die, he would send hurricanes and blood clots. |
| | Hamas, until you break off your alliance with the bears, you're on notice. |
| | The truthiness will set you free! |
| | Stop asking for Bush's plan, senators! He clearly doesn't have one. |
| | Just because the Pope is infallible doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. |
| | And the number one threat to America is... Bears! |
| | When life gets you down, don't get mad: Get Stephen. This is the Colbert Report. |
| | When the world tries to knock us around, I'm America's bubble wrap. This is the Colbert Report. |
| | Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? |
| | Soylent Green is Delicious! |