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"Equations are the devil's sentences!" Quotes from The Colbert Report   Add to wiki
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Tags: the colbert report, stephen colbert, quotes, comedy, comedy central, tv, television

The Colbert Report is an American satirical television program on Comedy Central that stars comedian Stephen Colbert, who previously became well known as a senior correspondent for The Daily Show. The Colbert Report is a spinoff and counterpart of The Daily Show that parodies personality-driven political pundit programs, particularly Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor.

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  • Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.
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  • Stone Phillips: We invited Mother Teresa to respond to these charges.
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  • You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.<BR>Fareed Zakaria: You've really got balls on your mind tonight.
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  • You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for... five nights now...
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  • I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!
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  • I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart.
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  • Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution!
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  • Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic.
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  • I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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  • I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
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  • What's it like working with Clint Eastwood, and why do you hate our troops?
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  • The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it!
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  • George Bush... great president, or the greatest president?
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  • You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits. This is the Colbert Report.
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  • Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man! You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah.
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  • Tim Robbins: Why do you hate the truth?<BR>I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.
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  • You know how many wars could be fought with $100 million? A *third* of one.
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  • Anyone can *read* the news *to* you. What I plan to do is *feel* the news *at* you.
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  • I'm looking over your shoulder... only because I've got your back.
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  • I can't prove it, but I can say it.
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  • Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?
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  • Facts change, but my opinion never does.
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  • This teaches children a valuable lesson: Expect nothing and be happy you're not kidnapped.
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  • Someone get a bucket, I think I'm gonna truth! This is the Colbert Report.
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  • Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one.
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  • That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read.
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  • Open wide, baby bird, because mama's got a big, fat nightcrawler of truth.
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  • That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada.
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  • Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, "Walk it off."
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  • And Oregon, where do you get off letting people commit suicide? If God wanted them to die, he would send hurricanes and blood clots.
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  • Hamas, until you break off your alliance with the bears, you're on notice.
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  • The truthiness will set you free!
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  • Stop asking for Bush's plan, senators! He clearly doesn't have one.
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  • Just because the Pope is infallible doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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  • And the number one threat to America is... Bears!
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  • When life gets you down, don't get mad: Get Stephen. This is the Colbert Report.
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  • When the world tries to knock us around, I'm America's bubble wrap. This is the Colbert Report.
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  • Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
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  • Soylent Green is Delicious!

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    Comments:

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! A truth mitzvah!! I think Stephen Colbert is one of the best comics of today!!!
    Comment by: lucygoosy

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